Home

Advertisement

Customize
  Journal   Friends   Calendar   User Info   Memories
 

Senseless

31st August, 2008. 2:01 am. Blargh Part 2

Excuse my french but shit, fuck, damn! Let me start off by saying that I'm nowhere near as depressed in real life as I sound like I am in these entries. This has just become my place to vent so I go off here so I can keep smiling in the real world. I just thought I'd say that because I sound like...a horrible person here, the kind of person I would never want to be around personally and that's because if it didn't come out here I would really be that person and I don't want that...if that made any sense at all.

So first to give an update from last time concerning my mom: she finally went to see the surgon (like a month later)and turns out we thought the cancer was "in situ" (meaning capsulated or confined to one specific area) and it's not. It's still non-invasive, but it's not gonna be as much of a clean removal as we had hoped. So now her options are lumpectomy and radiation, and she really doesn't want to do the radiation bit, or total massectomy. Now...my mom is about the strongest person I know. In all my 18 years of life I've only ever seen her cry twice: once when I was really little when there was a bunch of family shit going on with my grandparents and she was deep in the throws of post-partum depression after my brother was born, and the other time was this summer when we thought my uncle was going to die. She was the daughter of a marine, an army brat, so showing weakness and emotion just aren't things that she does. Knowing that, I think it's the aftermath of all this treatment that's going to be really hard, especially if she ends up having to do radiation or, god forbid, chemotherapy. Having to see her in the aftermath of all that...and I know she'll try to hide how bad it really is if she can. After my brother was born there was a period of about two months where we thought she was going to die. Everything imaginable went wrong and basically every system in her body failed all at once. And she didn't want my dad to bring me to see her. It wasn't that she didn't want to see me, but that she didn't want me to see her in that condition with all those tubes and everything. And now that I'm at college, even if it is just on the other side of town, I'm afraid she'll pull the same kind of stunt and hide from me.

This brings me onto my next topic, which may not readily seem connected but bare with me as I draw the lines. I have never had what you would really call a "boyfriend." I kind of sort went out with one of my boy friends once but it was a horrible disaster and we do not speek of it. Since then I've tried a few times to catch someone's eye but they're always either already taken or even more socially retarded than I am, which is just downright scary. So now I've been in my dorm almost two weeks and I'm looking around my all-girls floor...and all of them have boyfriends. Even the girls that came from out of state have managed to hook up with someone and I can't figure out how. That coupled with the fact that I know more than one person who as been /engaged/ since they turned 18 has kicked my "want" of a boyfriend up into this wierd desperate "need" that's driving me nuts.

Really the main thing (and this is where the connection to the previous topic comes in) is just that I need someone there to tell me it's okay. Going to my friends about all my problems in life is one thing, but it's a different kind of support and encouragement that you get from a significant other. As one of my friends put it, I "need someone who's possessive." I need someone who I can talk to about my mom or when I have fights with my friends and he'll hold me and tell me it's okay or assure me of the stupid girly shit, ie: I'm not fat, my acne doesn't make me ugly, and I'm genearlly a nice, amiable person. My roommate's a real partier and she goes out all the time and gets the numbers of random boys all over campus even though she's already dating someone. We've been on campus for hardly over a week and she must know 20 guys already. I'm half tempted to try and tag along, even though she belongs to a totally different crowd from me, the nerd, just to see if it would help becaues I honestly don't know what else to do. I know it's, like I said, the first week of school and I shouldn't feel like such an utter and complete failure for not snagging someone right away...but I do. And I don't know how to fix it. One of my friends suggested getting laid, but I'm not interested in a one-night stand. Sexual frustration is part of it, I'll admit that, but there's a more psychological aspect at work here too. I just wish I knew what to do...I'm half tempted to join a dating website or ask one of my friends to hook me up, despite how painfully desperate that sounds to me.

And, on a final note, on top of everything else that has gone wrong this week my computer utterly and completely died. I had to back up the C drive, physically remove the D drive, and then wipe my poor laptop back to factory defaults. Yeah, it was bad, and it's still got a few wierd quirks, like how my music worked all the way up until tonight for some awkward reason that I'm not even going to bother to try and fix at 2 in the morning.

So yeah, like I said, I write all this depressed nonesense here and then I can carry on my everyday life with a smile. There's probably more I could have ranted about on a few other subjects but the boy thing was the one bugging me the most right now so hopefully getting that off my chest will help a bit.

Current mood: gloomy.
Current music: None since it won't work....

Make Notes

28th July, 2008. 10:42 pm. Blargh

Of course I never come here when I'm in a good mood. Like seriously :P I'm really bad, I know. I only post my inner thoughts on the internet when I need the support of random strangers. But honestly, I usually have at least one person I can call and talk to. But this time...I don't know. I just know how to even bring it up with my friends.

So, quick update on my life to understand the position I'm in. I be 18 now and eagerly awaiting my first freshman year at college. My dorm mate and I have met and I've spent the last few weeks running to all the stores in town buying new crap to stuff in my dorm room. So I'm kind of in this weird, hectic, transitional turning point of my life anyway.

The summer began with my uncle dying...and I mean slowly. He's an alcoholic and they told him he needed to have a liver transplant or his number was up, a diagnosis that has since been reverse, just today in fact, and is part of what spurred me to write this today. So all summer long I've had this weird shadow hanging over my house that my mom's only brother is going to die and there's pretty much not anything anyone can do about it at this point. It wouldn't be such an overbearing, omnipresent thing if he didn't keep calling two times a day because he's board and he lives alone, but anyway, there's that.

So I've spent the entire summer with the grim reaper over my shoulder but just far enough away that I can kind of pretend that everything's alright and just go on with my life. And then I got hit with it this saturday. Not my uncle. My mom.

She calls us all in and sits us down in the living room. About two weeks ago my Mom had a biopsy done on a lump in her breast, but we weren't worried because that's nothing new. She the same thing done last summer and they never found anything and none of us could really deal with any more going wrong right now so we kind of just figured they'll do their tests and find nothing and that'll be that. Except this time they found something.

It's called DCIS, standing for Ductal Carcinoma in Situ. It's breast cancer. You can get it from excessive x-rays and well let's just say my mom was so sick after my brother was born it's a wonder she doesn't glow in the dark.

I just found this out two days ago, mind you, so I guess I'm still in shock. Mostly I'm just grateful I'm going to college in the same state, the same town even. I don't know if I could handle going away knowing I was leaving that behind. They said it's non-invasive cancer and it doesn't decrease your lifespan if treated and all this but I mean...fuck. It's cancer.

And I don't know how to tell anyone. I blurted it out to one person because she was asking me to go to an Anime convention in September and all I could think was that was when my mom was going to have her surgery and I needed to be home that weekend. How do I tell someone that? Oh hey, guys, guess what? My mom has cancer? But I can't keep it a secret either. Well...maybe I can just get them to come read this or something.

Anyway, I guess I feel better having at least written it somewhere. Blargh.

Current mood: numb.
Current music: Ayumi Hamasaki - Whatever.

Make Notes

23rd July, 2006. 12:58 pm. Inspiration

Well, now I've made a mess. I really have and I feel terrible about it. And now I've got to dig myself out. What have I done? Well...have you ever read something or seen something and liked it so much that you were inspired to use it in your own writing?

A word about inspired: inspired is a fancy word for 'borrowed ideas from someone else'. It's true and there is not shame in admitting it, that's what writers do. Since the time people first started writing and publishing books writers have always borrowed from each other, why do you think they made copyright laws in the first place. A fanfic in itself is a perfect example of what I mean. You're taking characters and settings and situations that aren't yours and using them for your own purposes. Personally I enjoy fanfics but that's beside the point, I'm just stating the facts.

Anyway, back to my problem. I read a fanfic years ago, and I couldn't remember where it was or what it was called or I would have re-read it before starting this story, but anyway there was a scene that "inspired" the soul reading scene in my newest story "Fun and Games." I would have admitted that right off the bat if I had only known what the hell the name of that fanfic was or where to find it.

Anyway, I went on with the story and everyone liked it and I was feeling pretty good about myself when a reviewer brought up that other story. She finally reminded me of the title, which was the "The Beginning" though I still don't know where it is in the vast internet, but it was what she said that really got me. She said, and I quote, "It sounds nearly identical with her fic...It has more conversation, but the plot is still the same."

How the hell did I let that happen!?! I haven't read that fic in at least three years and if you don't believe me I already said I don't even know where the heck it is because it hasn't turned up on fanfiction.net or mediaminer.org. And now I feel horrible because I only meant to use the soul reading thing and instead I took so much more and everyone likes it....AHHHHH!!!

Damn it. As much as it's been bothering me though, I guess it was a good thing that I'm only three chapters into it as of now. There's still time to fix this I guess. Once I find out where in all the hells this fanfic is, if it even is still on the internet somewhere, I'll just have to read over it and make sure that any more similarities, even accidental ones, end here. I'll also have to try and explain this, albeit more briefly, at the start of my next chapter. And of course the damn thing just had to be a hit and make me feel even worse.

I guess journals are good for something, I do feel a little better now that I've gotten that off my chest so to speak. *sigh* I need a hug...

Current mood: depressed.

Read 1 Note -Make Notes

19th July, 2006. 6:54 pm. Dentist

I may still not get the point of a journal, but I think I've at least got something interesting to write about...

I had to go to the dentist yesterday. What fun. Personally I really hope no one actually enjoys that. First there's the scraping. They get that little pointy thing and start scratching away. And they keep scratching, and scratching, and scratching! I swear the lady spent like two whole minutes on one tooth! I just wanted to say to her "You got it! I promise you, whatever it is you're trying to get, you got it. It's gone. Move on!"

And then of course there's the whole trying to talk to you thing. I mean she's juggling the little mirror and the pointy thing and the spit-sucker thing all in my mouth--and then she decides that it's a good time to play twenty questions.

"So how's your summer?"

"Nghm."

"Uh-hu. Going anywhere on vacation?"

"Mgnh"

"Uh-hu. Getting ready for school yet?"

"Ngnh."

Not to even mention the pain. It's a day later and I'm just now getting back normal function of my mouth. At least I don't have to go back there for another six months.

Current mood: contemplative.
Current music: none.

Make Notes

19th July, 2006. 1:33 am. Pointless

I've never really understood the point of keeping a journal. Therefore, since I am suffering from insomnia at 1:35 in the morning, I will take the time to write in my journal about how dumb it is to keep a journal.

First off, I'm lazy. If I'm going to think something, it's quicker just to think it. Also, I tend to hold arguments with myself when thinking, which makes thinking confusing. Arguments with myself...is it possible for me to win one of those?

Anyway, I just never got the point I guess. Of keeping a journal I mean. I've bought plenty of them over the years, always thinking I'll use them, but I never do. I created this account like a year ago and ever used it. Actually, this doesn't feel so much like a journal as a blog...although I try not to think of it that way since the horror that is myspace has ruined blogs for myself and the rest of the free world.

So, to sum up, I don't understand the point of keeping a journal and yet am keeping one anyway because I can't sleep and feel like trying it since I've never really committed before. So...yeah. Man I need to go to bed...

Current mood: (though I should be asleep).
Current music: Storywriter from Eureka Seven.

Read 3 Notes -Make Notes